It's been a long weekend, one that started off like no other. I witnessed a man die on Friday. One minute he was clutching his shoulder and complaining of pain and the next he was on a stretcher and his eyes were rolling into the back of his head. The medics, a nurse, and the doctors were able to bring him back, but who knows what damage has been done. I've been thinking about him all weekend, about his wife and how she must have felt when she got that life-altering phone call, if he has any children and if he does, how are they coping? If he's still alive even...
Seeing something like this really makes me think about my own life and question why I am putting things off until tomorrow when I can be doing them today. You have no idea when you're number is up and I think this is something people take for granted on a daily basis. I know I do. I feel like I am living for the future and not for today.
I think I am still in shock over what happened, more so because I have no idea if, when I'm qualified, I will able to perform under pressure. While they worked on this man, I was numb, not a single thought passed through my mind. And afterwards, I thanked the Lord that there was enough people that they didn't need me to be hands on. Instead, I ran around and grabbed what I was told to grab and took what I was told to take.
Friday night, I went for a drive by myself--to cry for a while. I have no idea why. Maybe it was me getting over the adrenaline. Maybe it was because I had witnessed something so devastating that it was overwhelming. Or maybe I just felt like I didn't do enough, or that I could have done something faster, quicker, better. Or maybe I've never been so close to death that I could feel it in the room. Either way, becoming a nurse assures me that I will see much more of this and I have to find a way to cope, and accept the fact that not all of those that arrest will come back. It's just an unsettling fact of life.