January 23, 2010

Feeling Blue

It's been a busy week. Very busy. I have been asleep on two feet for the last couple of days. Clinical, full-time school and being a wife and mother is not at all easy and is very time consuming, but I am sure I have said this before, over and over. I have not been able to read or write this week (unless you count copious amounts of pages from my nursing texts). It's weird, because for as much as I want to be a nurse, I equally want to be a writer. I am on the verge of tears as I write this because I am feeling kind of trapped. (I hope my husband doesn't read this though I know he will because our communication lately has been minimal). I am committed to nursing and the military for the next six and a half years and this scares me to death. I am feeling a little caged, and artistic people don't do well with caged.

The further I go with my degree, the less time I have to devote to reading and writing and this is the only escape I have from my life. I can create and live in alternate worlds for a brief time and forget everything and everyone around me and I love this experience. I can't give it up for the sake of my sanity. It is the only thing I have that is my own, that is not an obligation or a must, but something that makes life a litte easier and a lot happier for me. I dream of being published and this will not happen while I am in the military. Even if I was of the small percentage of people to get noticed by an agent or a publisher, they aren't going to be all that considerate of the time and travel? that I would have to do to promote myself and my book. I couldn't even begin to start sending out query letters until I am in my family year of commitment to the military. Six and a half years. I enjoy the military, but right now (in my emotional state of panic) I feel like I am on a very long road with no end in sight.

So I have vented. I don't feel particularly better. Not really. And now I will return to an assignment that is due on Monday and try to think happy thoughts. Vacation. Spring break in three weeks. I am not going anywhere, but that matters little. I will have some time to write. I'd take that over the Carribean any day.

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